


emails

by MichaelMellon



Series: ceiling fans and idle hands will take my life again [1]
Category: Eddsworld - All Media Types
Genre: Depression, M/M, Other, Suicide, really fucking sad, tomtord kinda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2019-01-23 19:23:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 21
Words: 2,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12514700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MichaelMellon/pseuds/MichaelMellon
Summary: Tord misses Tom. Tom doesn't care.Book one of threehttps://archiveofourown.org/series/866973





	1. one

To: tomrigewell@ezmail.com  
From: tlarsen@ezmail.com  
Re: one  
Hello.  
What a great way to start an email, right? Thomas Rigewell, you’re so far away. I’m going to start from the beginning, alright?  
Before I met you, when I was around eighteen, it was Edd, Matt and I all alone in that house. I was fresh from Norway, I didn’t speak English as well as I wanted to, but I was determined to make it in England. I was going to go to university and I was going to lead an army. We could barely afford food but we managed. Nothing was really that interesting; Edd sat at his computer and drew, Matt was constantly gawking at himself in the mirror and I holed up in my bedroom, the one you’re probably in now, and studied. I knew I liked guys. I always had, but I hated myself for it. My parents aren’t exactly… open-minded, y’know? Internalised homophobia is what it’s called, I Googled it. And then you came along.  
You stood in the door with a small bag and I remember hearing Edd let you in. He acted as if he had known you for years even though he’d only known you for a week. You were gorgeous, Tom, you were laughing at a joke Edd made when I first saw you. Smiling looks good on you.  
I instantly insulted you; it was a strategy I thought would make me hate you. I made a comment about your eyes and you shot back, telling me my eyes were so grey that I might as well be blind. I fell in love.  
After I left, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I called you on burner phones, you never answered. I kept thinking about your stupid face and how everything about it was so flawless. I kept thinking about your stupid body and how much I wanted to trace my fingers down it, memorize every ridge of bone, every scar and every inch of skin.  
I kept being pulled into my office, repeated the same words to different country leaders to keep some sense of peace between the Red Army and their country. I was pulled to Medbay to assess my mental health. I was too focused on you to take care of myself. I kept telling myself that you’re all that mattered because at that time, you were.


	2. two

To: tomrigewell@ezmail.com  
From: tlarsen@ezmail.com  
Re: two  
Waffle House at one in the morning kind of makes everything feel okay. Last night, I was at the Waffle House near the house. I considered visiting you while I ate my food.  
You know, Edd and I used to go there and pull all-nighters to study. We’d eat hashbrowns covered in cheese, which sounds disgusting, while we read chapters of text-books to each other. We got to know this one waitress well, her name was Lillie, I think. She used to just bring us the food without asking what we wanted. She had lilac colored hair and always told us she took the night shift to see us. Edd actually dated her for a while.  
I ate like a child who’d been denied food for months. Mostly because I did, I forgot to eat for weeks. Lillie wasn’t there that time, she’d probably quit and moved to New York like she wanted to.  
I just left money on the table before leaving; I wasn’t in that great of a state to interact with others. I was pretty fucked up. I hadn’t slept or eaten in a few weeks, my eyes had trouble focusing and I was too shaky to even hold my fork.  
I called Patryck to pick me up from the Waffle House and slept the entire way to the airport we were supposed to go to. The Red Army had a private plane, nothing fancy but I was able to sleep comfortably for the ride to HQ in Norway.  
I love you, Tom.


	3. three

To: tomrigewell@ezmail.com  
From: tlarsen@ezmail.com  
Re: three  
I’m sitting on my bed and tears are blocking my vision. I carved your name into my leg and I just want to touch you. I love you so much.


	4. Chapter 4

To: tomrigewell@ezmail.com  
From: tlarsen@ezmail.com  
Re: four  
I want to see you so bad. The cut ended up getting a little infected. Patryck yelled at me, “How fucking dumb are you? You have an army to lead and you think about a guy you’re never going to see again?! You’re a fucking idiot, Tord!”  
I need to touch you, Tom, I don’t know if I’ll survive this.


	5. five

To: tomrigewell@ezmail.com  
From: tlarsen@ezmail.com  
Re: five  
I’m going to tell you how I met Edd.  
We were four, maybe five, and our mothers made us play together. I wanted to play violent games and he wanted to play with action figures or draw with sidewalk chalk. We got along well.  
Matt came along when we were all nine or ten. He was sitting alone on the playground after lunch and Edd pulled me there so we could talk to him. He didn’t talk much at first, quiet nods and short answers to questions. Matt got more comfortable with us in the next few weeks and we went to Edd’s house every day. We grew up together… and then you came along.


	6. six

To: tomrigewell@ezmail.com  
From: tlarsen@ezmail.com  
Re: six  
When you came along, I was left out. I was the sore thumb of the group. So, I stayed in my room; I lived in there, only coming out to eat and shower. You and them went out and had fun while I stayed behind and sat in my self-pity.  
I’m sorry I ever left. I love you.


	7. or the one where i explain why i write these

To: tomrigewell@ezmail.com  
From: tlarsen@ezmail.com  
Re: seven (or the one where I explain why I write these)  
Are you even getting these? If you are, are you reading them? Do you try to reply but you can’t find the words you need? If you aren’t, well, what’s the point of writing these emails?  
I’m writing these to get everything out. Nothing is ever going to be the same when these emails stop coming.


	8. eight

To: tomrigewell@ezmail.com  
From: tlarsen@ezmail.com  
Re: eight  
I don’t know what to write. I want you to know why I love you but I don’t know how to say it.  
I love your hair. I love your eyes, so dark and void of light that it seems to take the light from the room. I love your lips, the insults and snarky comments that come out of them. I love your neck; I want to kiss every inch of it. I love your torso, I want to cover it in bite marks and memorize all of it. I love your legs; I want to wrap them around my waist while I’m on top of you. I love you.


	9. nine

To: tomrigewell@ezmail.com  
From: tlarsen@ezmail.com  
Re: nine  
I want to kill myself. I really do.


	10. ten

To: tomrigewell@ezmail.com  
From: tlarsen@ezmail.com  
Re: ten  
I’ve started having panic attacks at random moments. When I have them, I can’t breathe and I can’t move and I cry. I don’t know why they happen.


	11. or the one where i tell you what it feels like to cut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dont cut its bad

To: tomrigewell@ezmail.com  
From: tlarsen@ezmail.com  
Re: eleven (or the one where I tell you what it feels like to cut)  
Euphoria. The blade sinks into your flesh and you feel the blood coming out. It tears through your skin and everything is numb. You can’t hear anything but your own heartbeat. It’s always the same and it always feels good.


	12. twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna try to upload every day

To: tomrigewell@ezmail.com  
From: tlarsen@ezmail.com  
Re: twelve  
 I haven’t slept in a week. I’m too scared to. I keep having this nightmare.  
 I dream that I’m covered in blood, everyone I know is in front of me and covered in blood. I look into a mirror and I see my face… my left half is scarred and the rest is normal. My left arm is red and robotic.  
 The glare of it is what wakes me. I don’t know what it means and I don’t want to see it again. You’re always the first one I see dead by my own hands. I’m the one that’s killed all those people. I don’t want to sleep anymore, I don’t want to dream anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also this is based on a nightmare I actually had. I was sleeping with Lydia from Skyrim.


	13. thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh look I'm posting another chapter. sorry it's short. I swear the ending is worth it. I have it all written out.

To: tomrigewell@ezmail.com  
From: tlarsen@ezmail.com  
Re: thirteen  
 I can’t breathe without the thought of you next to me. I’m going crazy… This is my decent into madness… I’m logging myself going insane.


	14. or the one where I tell you why I’m not taking the pills I’ve been prescribed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> take your prescriptions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry like
> 
> all of this sucks ass
> 
>  
> 
> the ending is worth it I swear

To: tomrigewell@ezmail.com  
From: tlarsen@ezmail.com  
Re: fourteen (or the one where I tell you why I’m not taking the pills I’ve been prescribed)  
 I don’t want to take them. I don’t trust the Medbay doctors. There are hundreds of thousands of people who want my head, these pills could be poison disguised as anti-anxiety meds.  
 I’ve been staying in my bedroom, refreshing my email and hopelessly waiting for a reply to these. I’ve stopped eating and sleeping. I live off of energy drinks and coffee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmu on deviantart and discord  
> https://screamingmatt.deviantart.com/  
> sC R EM#2684


	15. or the one where I explain why I showed up at your house last night

To: tomrigewell@ezmail.com  
From: tlarsen@ezmail.com  
Re: fifteen (or the one where I explain why I showed up at your house last night)  
 I sat in front of your door for hours until you came home with Edd and Matt. Edd gasped and reached out to touch me. Matt practically threw up at my physical appearance. You walked up to me and grabbed me by the hood of my sweater.  
 You dragged me into your room and yelled at me.  _“What the fuck are you doing here?! You send me fourteen cryptic emails and then show up on my fucking doorstep?!”_  
 I stayed silent and just gave a small smile. You grabbed me by my throat and I yelped. I told myself this was what I wanted, I wanted you to touch me. Even if it was you choking me. You were what I wanted.  
 _You were what I wanted._  
 So, I got my wish. But it wasn’t what I expected it to be like. You were supposed to hurt me more than that. You were supposed to  _kill_ me.  
 I came there to  _die_ , Thomas. I thought you would’ve killed me. I was wrong. I was so, so wrong.  
 I love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi follow me on deviantart @screamingmatt and on tumblr @kinisthetic and on discord at sC R EM#2684


	16. sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song is "Don't You Dare Forget The Sun" by Get Scared

To: tomrigewell@ezmail.com  
From: tlarsen@ezmail.com  
Re: sixteen  
Dear Diary,  
Life is trying me. Can I get a sign? Or a two of mind, a piece of mind. Oh, can I get a sign? Can I get a sign?  
Well, I know you lay in bed, contemplating your own death. Well, just look at what you’ve done. Don’t you dare forget the sun, love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi follow me on deviantart @screamingmatt and on tumblr @kinisthetic and on discord at sC R EM#2684


	17. seventeen

To: tomrigewell@ezmail.com  
From: tlarsen@ezmail.com  
Re: seventeen  
 I know why you love alcohol so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmu on deviantart @screamingmatt and on tumblr @kinisthetic and on discord at sC R EM#2684
> 
>  
> 
> also depression is a cunt. :,)


	18. eighteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> maybe ill post the rest of the chapters today pff

To: tomrigewell@ezmail.com  
From: tlarsen@ezmail.com  
Re: eighteen  
 Remember when you were drunk as hell and you came into my bedroom and you told me to kill myself? That no one would notice I died? That nobody ever loved me? Do you remember that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi send me shit on discord sC R EM#2684  
> I have memes on tumblr @kinisthetic  
> and doodles on deviantart @screamingmatt


	19. or the one where i vent about myself

To: tomrigewell@ezmail.com  
From: tlarsen@ezmail.com  
Re: nineteen (or the one where I vent about myself)  
 When I was a kid, I had a lot of confidence. People would complement me and I believed it. As I got older, however, I started doubting it. Everything they told me, I thought it was a lie. Every positive complement I got was turned into a, _they’re lying_. Not a, _See, they like it_. I doubted everything.  
 As I grew, my standards got higher and higher and I didn’t see how bad it was getting. It started seeping into my self-image and I decided I wasn’t good enough.  
 I starved myself. I remember one day I only ate one-quarter of an apple and a sip of cola.  
 _ **look how in control you are.**_  
 It was painful practically starving myself every day. It was so cold and sad and dark all the time and all I wanted to do was die. I kept getting knocked down. Over and over again but I _kept fucking going_. I had no reason to, you see, I had nothing to look forward to. I had nobody. I didn’t tell anyone what was going on in my life. Nobody knew what I was going through. That’s when I met Pau and Patryck. I was at the lowest point in my life and I met them online. I didn’t tell them.  
 We met up and saw each other in the flesh for the first time. I put on my mask and tried to act so normal, I wasn’t myself. I was a stranger to myself. They were seeing me for the first time at the lowest point in my pathetic life. They didn’t see through my act. They didn’t know I was dying.  
 Tom, I broke through when you came. I was recovering all alone. And I did jump back.  
 Now, I’m starving again. I don’t know what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look its longer 
> 
> send me shit on discord sC R EM#2684  
> idk maybe look at my tumblr @kinisthetic  
> and ma y be my deviantart @screamingmatt


	20. twenty

To: tomrigewell@ezmail.com  
From: tlarsen@ezmail.com  
Re: twenty  
 If you’re reading this, I’m dead. I’m swinging from a rope tied to my ceiling fan. 

I love you, Tom. Goodbye.


	21. re: twenty

To: tlarsen@ezmail.com  
From: tomrigewell@ezmail.com  
Re: re: twenty  
 i love you too.


End file.
